Diffusion~

Wow, it has been so long since I have written anything on this blog. I’ve forgotten how therapeutic blogging can be. I know by reading through a few of my previous writings that my feelings on a daily or weekly basis have not changed all that much. There is so much I feel I should say through my writing but I think part of the reason I ended up taking a break is because my thoughts and emotions got to be so overwhelming and confusing that I could not put them into  words. Recently I’ve been considering getting back into writing my emotions out, just because everyone, including myself needs an outlet. Many people use sports, or counseling, but I am making the choice to use this as my outlet. I’m not sure how many people actually read this blog and truthfully I don’t care. Like I said earlier this serves as an outlet for me and that’s it. I love having this oppurtunity to sit here and write my thoughts, because I know there are so many people going through situations and either have not found an acceptable outlet or are not sure how to have one. Something I’ve been thinking about lately is how many blessings I take for granted, yes I said I, not we, us, people, society, or America. This blog is about me myself and my struggles/blessings, so that’s what I want to continue writing about. There is a song that I’m listening to currently and it is called “What I’ve Overcome” by Fireflight. I love this band, just because they are so empowering and uplifting for someone going through anything, and for some reason they’ve always been a light into any of my dark times. If you have never listened to them I highly recomend them, yes they are a christain rock band but still encouraging. So as this is just my little intro back into this world of blogging I will probably be blogging some of my recent thoughts here soon.
“If only you could see me yesterday, who I used to be before the change, you’d see the broken heart, you’d see the battle scars.”
XO
~D

On the radio this morning they played our song~

That moment when you feel like everything you thought was certain, everything you thought would last a lifetime just falls through the cracks and now you don’t know for sure that those things will last, even any longer than the current day. At the moment I am very insecure with myself, could I have prevented this, is this my fault, did I push this thing into these cracks. I don’t know who is at fault but all I know is I am tired, I am tired of wanting the effort, the love, appreciation, and the proof that you are happy and still want this. My outlook is that it was me because I felt if from the start that this would end in a rocky offset I don’t know how we got here kind of way. Im not okay with comfort, I hate knowing that the only way to feel alive in something is to feel the pain, why don’t I feel alive from happiness or love, or appreciation. I know not the answer, but I do know that I cant feel this way anymore. I want happy and crazy and stay up all hours of the night laughing,  I want to truly be able to base my good day on something other than I actually got my work done and I haven’t cried today. That is pathetic, which by the way is how I feel. Pathetic. I doubt you read this, since you don’t take much interest in me like you used to, so I guess this okay to say, I’m taking a break. No cockiness intended but until I am shown that you want me I can’t keep going, they say if you love her show her, because if you don’t someone else will. 

& now that I can see mistakes so clearly now~

Its when the guilt takes over that regret starts to kick in. Somehow it knows just the right time to kick you in the shins and have you landing on your face in the mud. When it does kick you it puts you on your knees, but what people don’t tell you about being on your knees is that it will not take away what has happened. It won’t disappear just because you know now that what you did was wrong. I think the expectations you have after you hit rock bottom are a fallacy. People say that is when you learn the most and how you learn to pick your self back up. But what happens when you are down and don’t have the strength to get back up?

 

Did you not see~

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love 
The love that you never knew~
JJ Heller, Love Me.

Hyperpnea~

Do you ever get so stressed you just don’t know what to do with yourself? Yeah, it happens. Life happens, and it’s not always pretty. There is so much that happens in our every day lives it gets hard just to stop and smell the roses as some would say. I think it’s important to take breaks and look at the beauty of life, not just the city lights and tall buildings around us that make up so much of our common surroundings. Even living in a small town with not more than two tall buildings, and being able to see the stars at night in the city, the city life is more consuming than I think anyone realizes. I for one am ready to calm things down, take a breather, and get back to what really matters, being the best one can be, without the worry of not being good enough.

Mine Sweeper~

Have you ever had your hopes crushed? Felt the pain of your dreams fading? Looked forward all you see is smoke. The days disappear and the memories will fade but the pain remains. 
When it’s all over we will look back and know that whoever said these will be the best days of your life’s lied. But for now it’s all about stepping over the mines in this thing we call life, trying to not make it blow up.. Even though so far that hasn’t worked well. 

Safety~

When it’s not alright, when it’s not okay.

We are moving through the crowd~

Have you ever been so scatterbrained you could barely make sentences? Or so stressed you don’t know which is up and which is down? Well I’m coming to know the feeling, because as of this last Thursday I entered in to that world. Let me just say it’s confusing. Today is a seven month mark for someone I love and myself. As I try and conceive the words to say, or the lovely analogies to put on paper, I just make more mistakes, in grammar, spelling, and sense making. It’s frustrating, so I decided to work it out by blogging and forcing my self to make less mistakes in the areas so I can work through the things that are causing such stress and jumbling of my mind. Have you ever thought about all the stuff that runs through our brain? It’s such a wonderful organ. Think of all the things you’ve ever memorized since you were as old as your first memory- music lyrics, how to spell many words, what each letter is called, names of people places, when you celebrate things, the things you have done some many years ago, and so so much more. I was thinking about that just recently and it just blew my mind. I can understand why some people get stressed out so easily including my self, because jeez, look at all our brain holds in it, no wonder sometimes it just needs a break! Just some food for thought. 
Can you feel it, rushing through your hair~

Familiar?

Don’t like something?…. Say it
Want to know something?…. Ask

Nobody will know what’s going on in your mind it’s better to express rather than to expect….

The stringed feathers~

It’s time for Seattle.~